Thanks For the Memories
by TiggerFace
Summary: They had each other and a cabin in the woods. Until they didn't. Oneshot. Joniss. Character death. Post-Mockingjay.


I own nothing

* * *

><p>She let the feather rest against her cheek for a moment before the string slipped through her fingers and the arrow went sailing towards its target. There was a <em>thwack <em>as it collided with the bunny, killing the animal instantly and sending the few others scurrying for cover. Trudging through the leaves to her kill Katniss examined it. The prey had become better under the new government. The land was actually being taken care of instead of left on its own to either to rot or flourish and as a result there were more and fatter animals to hunt. Of course now she no longer needed it, food and money weren't as hard to come by – especially not for her.

Nudging the rabbit out of the pile of leaves it had fallen into with her toe so she could retrieve the arrow, she examined it for a moment. It was a waste to have killed the poor thing seeing as she didn't need the food, but there were so many that this single death wouldn't have a huge impact. She could leave it, let some lucky predator come by and eat it or – if that didn't happen – let the body decompose and return to the Earth. For a moment she considered it, taking a couple steps back and turning slightly, but something stopped her.

Johanna hated the new food that was mass produced to ensure that it fed the majority of the population. She complained it was too processed and bland and refused to eat it even if she was starving. It had worked out well because Katniss hadn't wanted to give up hunting and their relationship had bloomed during their daily trips to the forest. Johanna had finally gotten to see Katniss's skill in a way that didn't give her nightmares, and Katniss had learned that Johanna worked just as well with small throwing knives as she did with her axes. They would leave in the early morning, spending all day exploring, hunting, and eventually building a small cabin so they didn't have to live in the victor's village that reminded them far too much of the past. They had officially moved in together once the cabin was complete, though they had been unofficially doing the same for months before. When Katniss had questioned the difference Johanna had pointed out that now their clothes shared a space and she didn't have to sneak from her room into Katniss's every night to keep up the pretense that they were just roommates. They had puzzled over why they needed to keep that pretense – it wasn't like anyone didn't know that they were dating or lived together – before Johanna had realized they were forgetting the very important task of christening the house and promptly took their minds off it. Now Katniss desperately wished they hadn't stayed in separate rooms before moving, wished for more time sharing a bed, a room, and a closet with Johanna.

Taking a deep breath she grabbed the rabbit and turned away from the direction of 12 to head deeper into the woods. Haymitch was going to kill her but she needed to do this. For both of them. It took 5 minutes to reach the cabin and once there she had to wrestle the door open. The wood had expanded after it rained a couple days ago and the cabin hadn't been entered in a week. Stepping slowly inside her eyes swept over the familiar interior, stopping as they hit the stone fireplace and an icy wave of dread washed over her.

Johanna had insisted on stone. She had argued that – as the one from the lumber district – she knew better than Katniss when it came to fires and if they were going to have a fireplace it was going to be stone. Katniss had caved easily, shocking her lover until she smugly told Johanna that if she wanted stone she would have to transport it along the barely made and treacherous path that led to their cabin. Johanna had been deterred for all of a day until she realized that she could withhold sexual favors from Katniss and provide alcohol to Haymitch in order to enlist their help. Haymitch had agreed immediately while Katniss had laughed in her face, only to be greeted by a smug grin and a "We'll see." The sight of her lover shirtless and covered in sweat with her back and arms bulging as she hauled and lifted the heavy stones had changed Katniss's tune quickly and once she established that Johanna was serious about the no sex she had begrudgingly helped. It had turned out well, better than Katniss thought. She had been expecting a drab, gray, behemoth in the middle of her living room but Johanna had taken the time to paint it and carve the front with random patterns and it blended perfectly into the rest of the room. Johanna had teased her on her sudden vanity about home décor for ages, laughing mericlessly whenever she failed to provide a reason for why she cared so much.

Slowly approaching the fireplace she swallowed back bile that rose in her throat, memories of it's building having been replaced with ones that were unbearable. Taking a moment to collect herself she squatted next to the base and slowly reached out to run her fingers along the stone. The rough material that bumped under her fingers was cold and dry, not warm and wet like it had been last time she touched it. She closed her eyes and tried to fight back the memories assaulting her, ultimately failing and dry heaving into the empty fireplace. Johanna had last stocked it a month ago, the remembrance of her promising to chop more wood sometime this week sent tears spilling down her cheeks and caused her to lurch forward again, still failing to throw-up as there was nothing in her stomach. There hadn't been in days.

She had scolded Johanna, telling her she didn't have the weight to lose by not eating. The morphling addiction had done a number on her body and even 3 months off it Johanna had yet to gain back the pounds she had lost from over medicating while not eating. Johanna had pouted at her, saying that she could taste the can the vegetables came in and that the meat needed so much seasoning she might as well just eat salt. Katniss had rolled her eyes and finally proposed that they could go out and hunt as long as Johanna was the one to skin and clean the animal. That night, standing in the kitchen that had only been occupied by her mom and Prim in the past, Katniss made dinner for the two of them with Johanna sitting on the counter blabbering away about nothing important. They developed a tradition and had copied the kitchen layout for their cabin so they could keep their easy and – by that time – instinctual routine.

She dragged herself to the kitchen, rabbit in hand, and stared hard at the stove. She had come here to cook the rabbit like they used to, half as a tribute and half as a way to cling to something she so desperately needed. But now, standing here, she couldn't get herself to move. She needed Johanna's voice and obnoxious habit of swinging her legs back and forth and banging them off the counters before she could do anything. She wasn't going to get that.

Anger filled her out of nowhere, and Katniss turned and flung the rabbit into the fireplace. The body split as it hit the stone and blond ran over the same spot that had been covered in it the week before. She stood in shock for a minute before a whimper tore itself from her lips and she turned and bolted out of the house. Racing through the woods she ran in the same manner as when they had announced the third quarter quell. She ran until her lungs burned and her legs shook, still not stopping until her knees buckled and she was sent sprawling face first, biting her lip as she landed and causing blood to gush into her mouth. Curling into a ball she sobbed.

It was late evening by the time she finally arrived, limping and exhausted. Haymitch saw her immediately, bolting up from his seat on a log and jogging over.

"Where the hell were you? You were supposed to – _oh" _He paused as he noticed her tear-stained face and bloody mouth, shoulders sagging as realization washed over him. He opened his arms and she fell into them, clutching to his body to stop herself from falling. She had cried for hours, cried until she was numb and couldn't process anymore. But now, with her face buried in Haymitch's shirt she was slowly becoming overwhelmed once more. She wasn't ready.

"It took a week but at least you finally managed to cry. I was getting a little worried there Katniss."  
>She clutched him a harder and shook her head with her face still pressed into his chest. He pulled back slightly and lifted her chin so she would meet his eyes. "Come on. Everyone else has left, we're just waiting on you. You can have all the time you need."<br>"I _can't_. Not again."

He sighed and closed his eyes, a single tear escaping as the fear and grief in her voice stirred up his own. "I know. I know you can't. But this time you're getting something you didn't last time. You never said good-bye to Prim, before or after. This time you can even if it's a little late."

"Haymtich I-"

"Come on," He interrupted her slinging an arm over her shoulder and gently pushing her forward. They reached the edge of the little clearing, the ominous wooden box sitting at the opposite end.

"You want me to leave you alone?"

Katniss paused for a moment, unsure if she could make it across without help. But she didn't want anyone else here when she said goodbye, part of the reason she had stalled with the rabbit.  
>"Please."<p>

"You'll be okay?"  
>"No."<p>

"Stupid question. Katniss? I am _so so _sorry."  
>"Yeah."<br>He lingered for a moment, before nodding and softly patting her back. "We'll send people out to get it after dark." Taking one last look at the box he turned and walked back towards the town center.

They had decided to keep it quiet and simple. Closed casket, all day, open invite to anyone who wanted to stop by and pay their respects or say goodbye. It was obvious to have it in the forest, she had grown up in one and moved to live in one so she should be sent off in one. From the murmurs Katniss knew the Peeta, Gale, Annie and her son, even Enobaria had come out, as well as half the town. Now it was empty, chilling, a perfect opening to the rest of her life.

Dragging herself forward with heavy feet she crossed the clearing and stood by the coffin. Resting a hand on either end she leaned her forehead against the middle and closed her eyes, imagining that Johanna would walk up behind her, wrap her arms around her, and whisper that it was all just a big joke.

The morphling had hidden more than the pain. In coming off the drug Johanna had developed fine tremors and some involuntary tics. The doctors had said it was a result of the electrical torture she had received in the Capitol and they could prescribe medication to help calm them. Johanna had – in her typical fashion – brushed them off saying she could handle it and was done being dependent on drugs. Katniss's biggest regret was not insisting she take them.

It had been a seizure, something that they had been assured had a minimal chance of happening. Except it had happened. It had happened when Johanna was near the fireplace and in the fall she had hit her head against the stone. Katniss had come home shortly after to find Buttercup yowling over her body with blood coating the stone.

The cold wind wrapped around her as it blew through the clearing and she shuddered both from it and from tears. They started up again as she recalled the sight of Johanna's body lying half on the stone half on the rug, still and lifeless. She had watched Prim as she was blown to pieces and now she would have the accompanying memory of Johanna hours after her death. Taking a deep breath she collected herself enough to say something to her dead girlfriend.

"I hate you. I really fucking hate you. And I feel so guilty about that because I love you so much but every time I think about you I feel this hatred and then I hate myself for hating you and it escalates until I forget that I'm supposed to be loving you or grieving." She paused as sobs threatened to overwhelm her, "I love you Johanna, and I always will. But I'll always hate you too, for making me love you then leaving me. Just like everyone else."  
>Pulling herself off the coffin Katniss ran her hand over it, trying to reconcile the fact that her girlfriend was lying dead inside. As it changed to twilight around her she dropped her hand and stuck both in her pockets before turning and walking back into the woods.<p>

* * *

><p>Whoops. Also new rule. Never believe a goddamn thing I say.<p>

No, actually do believe it just take it with a grain of salt.


End file.
